I may not know everything about what love is but I do know what love is not.
I’d rather be with a man who is unfaithful than with an explosive, volatile, narcissist…
Let that resonate for just a minute. These were my feelings, my thoughts, during the tail end of my five years on-and-off-again relationship. Once I decided enough was enough, I felt like a libertine belle. I was free! I’ve never been so happy to escape such toxicity in all my life. Just about anything makes me happy now; the simplest things. Simply knowing I have a NORMAL relationship with everyone in my tribe does my heart all the good in the world. No man will ever steal my joy, peace, and sanity, again.
Does that last statement remind you of anything? “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life and have it in abundance.” In other words, don’t let anyone – in the case, a self-serving man – rob you of and destroy your peace of mind, joy, and happiness.
Ladies, you can love a man true enough and love him more than anyone ever has in his life. But what are you willing to tolerate for love?
- It IS NOT worth that man treating you like collateral damage because of his past hurt, baggage, and hangups.
- It IS NOT worth being a muse for his ego.
- It IS NOT worth being attacked, belittled, shamed, verbally and emotionally abused because you hold different ideals, theology, values, morals, and standards.
- It IS NOT worth continuously walking on eggshells in fear of a trigger word (unbeknownst to you) slipping from your mouth and setting him off on a rampage and then he goes days or weeks without speaking to you and is not willing to communicate and find a mutual understanding.
- It IS NOT worth crying yourself to sleep at night and wondering why all of a sudden your face keeps breaking out when you’ve never dealt with adult acne before.
- It IS NOT worth feeling completely depleted of energy and outright paralyzed with hurt and heartache.
- It IS NOT worth being beaten down with unwarranted judgment because his insecurities lead him to find fault in just about everything you do and say.
- It IS NOT worth being made to feel like you are emotionally unstable because you are a human with emotions and a conscience who knows how to use her voice to articulate her concerns, hurt, and disappointment.*And let me just say, having emotions does not make you weak. You are a human with a heart who cares…about a man*
- It IS NOT worth always finding yourself trying to refocus your energy and attention because the man who claims to love you places you in the position to feel emotionally drained and undervalued.
- It IS NOT worth you giving unconditional love but his conditional love is based upon your agreements with him and foolishness like accepting his tardiness for everything you plan to attend together because his time is more valuable than yours or accepting his trying to dictate your hair color, what you eat (because his religious morals are somehow higher and more valuable than yours), what you read, how your parent your child[ren]…but as long as he’s getting what he wants from you he has zero complaints for the time being.
- It IS NOT worth having to exhaust energy defending yourself ALL of the time.
- It IS NOT worth being unappreciated, exploited, and cursed out.
You tolerate these things day in and day out. You finally realized you have a voice and begin to take a stand for yourself. The problem is, you allow his explosive bursts of temper rowel you up and soon you find yourself going toe-to-toe with him.
This isn’t you. This isn’t how you typically conduct yourself. Why have you all of a sudden become like him?
Do you ever pose this question to yourself?
God didn’t ordain relationships – married or unmarried – for you to operate in uncertainty, chaos, and turmoil day in and day out. In other words, God is not the author of madness.
A man is supposed to protect your peace and joy, doing everything in his power to never put you in a position to compromise who you are. A man should never create an environment where you find yourself as angry as he is, yelling as he is, defaming him as he does you, spewing venom as he does, or deflecting as he does.
No matter how bad my relationship got, I always ended up feeling so empathetic – I felt pity for him. I felt like I just needed to love him even more and he’d see that and realize my love was worth him changing, that somebody really cared and believed in him.
I knew he was a broken soul and I thought my love would heal him. I thought my love would show him that I believed he was a better man and underneath it all, his true self would emerge and we’d live happily ever after.
Well, I’m here to tell you that a woman is never a rehabilitation clinic for a man. We may have superpowers true enough but one we don’t have is the power to heal an emotionally and mentally broken narcissist. As hard as it is to understand how someone who claims to love you abuses you, please understand that it IS NOT normal.
I am no expert but if therapy is something the two of you agree upon, that is a tool that may catapult your relationship in the right direction.
Again, I am no professional but I do know that when an individual addresses the root of the problem and gathers the necessary tools to heal, it is a tremendous aid for that person or couple.
Unfortunately, in my relationship, therapy only lasted for three sessions.
Yes, I am still traumatized and am sometimes triggered to aggressively defend myself, instantly going from 0-60. Sometimes I feel like simple, harmless comments from my family are harsh, critical judgments.
I currently feel drained of all interest in ever entering into another relationship with a man but I know with time I will heal and will one day meet the man God ordained for my boys and me.
No relationship is a fairytale but doggonite, you deserve no less than unconditional love, peace, and joy. Any man who comes along and continuously disrupts and uproots that is not God’s best for you.
Never change who you are to pacify a man’s need for control, authority, domination, and self-obsession. You have a voice. Use it. You have values. Cherish them.
You are worthy of real love.